there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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