For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
