I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
