Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
