the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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