you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
