yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
