the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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