maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
