I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
