Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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