this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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