it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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