Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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