Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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