in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Randomize
