okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
