don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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