Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
bring money and cleavage
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
