yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
