2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
