im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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