I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
