dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
