I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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