I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
