I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Randomize
