so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
