i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
