WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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