I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
