apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
