Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
