Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
