Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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