I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
