Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
