wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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