apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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