I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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