made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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