8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
