Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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