sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
