There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
