i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so let's talk penis.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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