Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
