Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
