My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
