haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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