I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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