Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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