She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
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I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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