so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
