So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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