The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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