Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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