I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
