Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
