Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
40s are totally the cure
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
