There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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